amalilakab
02-Apr-17 05:14 AM
STORY TIME MOTHER FUCKERS
We had just killed a lot of dangerous guys and barely escaped with our lives by some miracle last session. This session started with us waking up with no memory of how we got here, but in an open field with an unusual amount of ducks and with some dude lying in the grass a ways off. We make our way to him in his last breath he said protect the ducks before the disco king is brought back or something, then we get attacked. We roll initiative and Tyler turns on funk music. We're up against knights in full plate, with fros, afro picks, and bell bottoms. yes, we're up against disco knights. I failed my save and got struck with Disco Fever. Before my next attack I was able to overcome it, but had I not, I'd have just danced in place for a full round action. I go first and use Animal Trance. Ten ducks near me immediately are entranced by me and juts stare at me and then start dancing to the funk music. One of the disco knights exclaims that "he must see this!" and starts to gather ducks and run away. I think he got three in his turn and took off. I shifted into a Lion and we destroyed the other two disco knights fairly easily and started the chase. We chased him all the way to a village and he went into a building and boarded the door behind him.
The ducks were still dancing and following me and other disco knights started to collect my ducks so I pounced on one of them and just started going to town and nobody cared. They just kept gathering up my ducks and running off. I had one duck left and as we were breaking into the building a guy comes up and says "hey, I think I can help you" He convinces us he is a good guy with good intent. He takes us back to his place and all there is there are a bunch of chicks, a drum set, and some rugs and lamps. He says, I see you've got Saturday night fever (I forgot, I contracted that. If I don't dance on Saturday nights I lose wisdom stat points permanently). He played a sick beat on his drums and i'm cured of SNF. We realize we never caught his name and someone asks him. He says I'm Bonham. It's fucking John Bonham.
Led Zepplin legend, right there curing me of my Saturday Night Fever. Sick. He tells us of this resource, admantine or something, that could help, but he needs it to be in the shape of a 1 foot sphere. As we leave we notice there seem to be even more ducks. We head off to a cave and make our way to a dead end where there is a cave with some goblins. I forgot to mention, while in Lion form I did take the leisure suit and bell bottoms off one of the knights and wore it over my lion body. So one of the goblins yells out something about this being punk area and fucking disco jerks aren't allowed and we roll initiative. I shift into a Stone Giant and cast Shape Stone and make a giant stone club. Everyone else does their attack move and we're just harpin' on these guys and then the paladin goes and uses diplomacy to tell them "Hey, we're here to stop the disco knights, the lion is just an idiot wearing the clothes of his victims." It works and they all stop fighting immediately. I then proceed to check out the pool of water and find underwater passage. I shift into a salamander and go through to the other side. The ore is there. Like a doofus I used Shape Stone to make my weapon and no longer had means to shape the resource. Thankfully one of our members had a climbing pickax and made the swim and dug it up and dropped the stuff into her handy haversack (basically no weight accumulation so it didn't affect her ability to swim).
As we leave I notice there seem to be even more ducks. We make our way back and Bonham plays a sick beat again and by the power of metal the metal formed into a perfect sphere the size we needed. God bless the metal/rock gods. We head back to the building and gain entry. At this point there are so many ducks that we are almost experiencing movement penalties. A lot of fucking ducks. There is absolutely nothing going on down here other than some disco knights ignoring us tending to ducks so we go upstairs. There is a man there (his model looked like he had pizzas attached to his hands so we called him Pizzamancer. The pizzamancer was engaged in some type of mystical channel with my stolen ducks. There were a few more disco knights ready to fight and above them was a disco ball hung from the ceiling, dropping out ducks in massive quantities. As we roll for initiative (or maybe it was when we landed our first strike) the disco ball kicks into over-fucking-drive. With my ridiculous perception I estimated that nearly 2,000 ducks were being magically shit from this disco ball every second.
We had reached critical mass and time was of the essence. There were so many ducks that even my ranger abilities to navigate difficult terrain didn't help. I don't remember turn order, but on my turn I moved forward and stated "as I end my movement I do a sweet spin move and a couple sick dance steps." Tyler states nearly without a beat and says "Roll performance". I roll a 19 (total 21). Nailed it. I then proceed to throw my spear and Tyler informs me that my moves were so impressive that not only is the knight distracted and I gain a bonus to attack but--he rolls a percentile-- 36% of the ducks in the room also became impressed and became under a similar/same effect as the Animal Trance spell I used previously. I roll a 4 and horribly miss my spear throw despite the bonus. Everyone does their round of actions and it gets back to me. This time, this time I figure I might as well go for a hail mary. There are so many fucking ducks and this scary looking dude is going to be done channeling his shit soon, so I say "I cast speak with animals." Tyler scoffs, uh, ok. Sidebar-- Speak with animals is fairly useless. It only allows me to communicate with animals as if I were one of them. Mostly no direct talking and more conveying feelings and emotions--OK so Tyler asks me what I say. I say "DUCKS, HEAR ME! THESE DISCO KNIGHTS MEAN YOU HARM. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT, BUT PROBABLY TO KILL YOU OR SOMETHING. IT'S BAD. THEY'RE BAD. HELP US HELP YOU, KILL THESE FUCKING DISCO FAGGOTS." Tyler scoffs, kinda chuckles and says, "OK, roll diplomacy." So I roll... Nat 20. NATURAL FUCKING TWENTY. I lost my shit and stood up and made a scene. With my stats and bonuses that is a fucking 32. Tyler sits there in silence for a moment while I lose my shit. I calm down and we make eye contact and without a sound he grabs all of the enemy models, removes them from the board, and says "in seconds your enemies are gone before you. Nothing is left, no flesh, no bones, nothing."
We won. We destroyed our enemies using what we calculated to be nearly 100,000 ducks who were fucking enamored by amazingly smooth disco dance moves (don't ask about the physics of how they fit in and were spilling out of this room "magic"). So we then take the ball of metal and throw it at the disco ball since we kinda can't get to it. It was barely enough to make it and hit the ball, ending the outpouring of ducks. Just like that we were pulled out of the world. We were back to where we thought we had ended the last session, in our wagon. We awaken to a man named Markus who we are currently slaves/indentured servants too and is beyond our power. In our last session we tried to double cross him and failed hard (which is why we barely escaped with our lives and almost died). We come to and he said AND THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR FUCKING WITH ME. NEXT TIME YOU WILL LIVE OUT THE REST OF ETERNITY IN THE DISCO VILLAGE. The end.
(edited)